u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
nutella sex= disaster
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
