soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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