Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
