That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Please don't give away my fajitas
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
