Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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