i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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