I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
as a side note pls kill me
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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