You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
