Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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