while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
