Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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