I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
