You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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