I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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