I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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