2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize