i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Randomize
