Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize