Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
