You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
