WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Randomize
