I'm passing your future prison.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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