I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
