I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
