Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
