Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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