Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
