saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
