Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
