Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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