I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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