do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
