time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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