Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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