How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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