After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
