I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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