I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
