Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
