so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
