Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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