Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Your penis caused this!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize