like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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