Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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