Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
