There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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