I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize