New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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