Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
