Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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