Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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