thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
