Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
