Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
