I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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