Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
