just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
