dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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