Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
