i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
