i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
