I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
