No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
