Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize