so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I am one with the molecules
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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