In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am in a vortex of obligation.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
