I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
